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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on March 17, 2007, at 13:07:05
As some of you know I had three job interviews last week, my T asked me if I've given thought to how to better handle rejection. No, I haven't and I have no clue as to how to do this. My coping mechanisms are bad I admit it: drinking or bingeing and purging or a combination of all of the above.
I wish she hadn't asked me about this, because I am trying hard to be positive and asking if I'm ready for rejection is being negative.
Any ideas as to how to learn to cope with rejection?
Poet
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 17, 2007, at 13:47:35
In reply to Handling Rejection, posted by Poet on March 17, 2007, at 13:07:05
ummmmm?
Maybe knowing that the *emotion* of feeling hurt will pass?
Thinking logically of all the facts, the *true* facts, not the nasty crap we say to ourselves in our heads.
Acceptance that yeah, it *sucks majorly* it does for ANYone, but it will pass, and try and think of the postive things you *have* done.
And also to pamper and reward yourself for getting out there, and putting yourself out there, and working at this and keeping trying. This is definately most worthy of a kind reward.
Be with other people, cuz sometimes that helps keep me from spiraling downward into negativity.
Good luck Poet.
Your T just wants you to be preparded, cuz finding work and interviews and waiting and rejections are HARD. But your job will come, its just a matter of time, ha, mebbe you'll have one next week!
Posted by Happyflower on March 17, 2007, at 14:48:34
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection » Poet, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 17, 2007, at 13:47:35
Iwillsurvice, just took the words out of my head! I think rejection hurts everyone, but just not let it take over where you do destructive stuff to yourself. Saying it is much easier than doing it though. ;-)
Posted by canadagirl on March 17, 2007, at 16:37:51
In reply to Handling Rejection, posted by Poet on March 17, 2007, at 13:07:05
Well I'm pretty bad at handling rejection myself but I just wanted to say that anyone who can get 3 interviews has something to be proud of. Not only can it be difficult to get one interview (the stats are something like for every 20 resumes you submit, you'll likely get one interview, if your resume is very good) but the fact you had 3 says something about your skills. I think it is somewhat of a numbers game, if you have connections or a recruiter working for you, that's one thing, but if you are applying through postings or ads, it can be more difficult. When I am rejected for something (jobwise or otherwise) I try to think what I could do differently and try to fake it till I make it, you know what I mean? Try to "act" positive even if I'm not feeling it. And my coping skills are non existent so I don't even think of using any :-)
Posted by Daisym on March 17, 2007, at 18:51:40
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection » Poet, posted by canadagirl on March 17, 2007, at 16:37:51
Poet,
Some coping suggestions - write a rejection letter of your own to the company who didn't give you a job. Say why they should have chosen you.
Exercise. Don't laugh (no, I don't take my own advice.) You will be able to work out frustration and build up endorphins. it is a a win-win.
Bake. Mixing and squashing stuff in a bowl feels good. Then the whole house smells good. And you are treating yourself and others to something good. Just limit how much you, yourself, eat.
Write - keep posting. We like to hear from you and won't reject you. We promise.
Hit something. When I'm done with Antigua's bat, I'll lend it to you. I've used it a lot today and I feel just the tiniest bit better. I wish we lived closer so we could take turns. AnnieRose tells me I need wack-a-mole.
*Try to remember (I know it is sooo hard) that not getting a job isn't rejection of you - the you we love and the you that is a person. Not getting a job is just that - someone else got it for a million reasons. It isn't that "they are good and you are bad." It is never that simply.
Be gentle with yourself.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by antigua on March 18, 2007, at 10:05:01
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection » Poet, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 17, 2007, at 13:47:35
I think of you so often. I guess I identify so strongly with you because I know so much of what you feel is tied up with your work and your desire to get work that is worthy of you. Your work identity is so tied up with your self worth. I'm like that, too, and it's so hard.
Before I had children, my work was my life and I obsessed about it and doing well, and I did very well, rising to the top of my profession. After I had kids, they took over and they became how I identified myself--not a good thing to do, because I would get really upset if they weren't acknowledged for what they had accomplished. And I pushed them very hard. (this is all in hindsight, of course). My oldest in now off in college and it was a horrendous process getting him in. He is very smart and I took it so personally when he was rejected. Once I realized what I was doing (after 17 years of pushing), and that he was a reflection of his upbringing but he was his own person and I had to let go, things were fine. He didn't end up where I thought he would, but he is so happy. I had to let go.
My daughter is ready for HS and the same thing hit me again (You'd think I'd know better). She was offered a fantastic scholarship at a fancy girls' school, and as I told her, I just went insane for a week, thinking she should go, etc..
What SHE really wanted was to go to the public school with this great program she's interested in.. So this time, I realized her going to the fancy school was about me and not her, it was nice they offered, but I didn't have to make her go (like my son).Sorry, got off track. But since the kids are grown, I've been looking for more steady work (I freelance). I just lost one of my jobs this week, and I'm really upset, even though I knew it was coming. It wasn't me, it was them, but it didn't make the rejection any easier, when you'd think it would. I hated the job anyway, so why am I fussing so much? I have another freelance job that is so far below my abilities, but it's all I can get right now. It's so frustrating, and so hard to handle.
There was a great job I was up for that I thought I would get. I discussed it with my pdoc and guess what he said. I was "narcisstic" to think that I was going to get it! That blew me away! Do I have unrealistic expectations of my abilities? I don't think so, but... I don't want to say he was right, but he sure made me think. Actually, he made me so darn mad. He's not right. I know my abilities.
But why do we identify so much with work? Why does it really matter so much what others think of us? Why do we feel we have so much to prove? Because nobody would listen to us when we were children and being so ignored and abused? I don't know.
But I'm not giving up. I won't pound my head against the wall, and maybe I'll change my route a little, but I have to trust myself and what is right.
Narcisstic! Makes me so mad. I see him Monday and can't wait to give him a piece of my mind!! (and no, I didn't get that job, either. It was between me and another person and the other person was more willing to be a slave, and I wasn't. So that's healthy, right?)
Hang in there Poet,
antigua
Posted by Poet on March 18, 2007, at 17:31:54
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection » Poet, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 17, 2007, at 13:47:35
Hi IWS,
<<Thinking logically of all the facts, the *true* facts, not the nasty crap we say to ourselves in our heads.
That makes so much sense. That nasty crap goes around and around in my head and I know my T meant well, but now that nasty crap is telling me *even T thinks you're a loser.* Which deep down I know she doesn't or she would have booted me out the door years ago. She isn't in it for the money, she has to actually, dare I say it, like me and truly believe I'm not beyond all hope.
I will try my hardest to not let the nasty stuff overpower my (few) positive things I will admit about myself.
Poet
Posted by Poet on March 18, 2007, at 17:43:27
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection, posted by Happyflower on March 17, 2007, at 14:48:34
Hi HF,
Being rejected definitely hurts. I will try not to do self-destructive things, but as you said saying it is much easier than doing it. Thanks for your help.
Poet
Posted by Poet on March 18, 2007, at 17:54:07
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection » Poet, posted by canadagirl on March 17, 2007, at 16:37:51
Hi Canadagirl,
All three interviews were the result of answering a newspaper ad, so at least my resume must be impressive. My negative thinking tells me therefore it's the me they meet they hate.
I know what you mean about faking it until I make it. I will try to fake a good smile tomorrow (in person interview, last week was a phone interview) and when I do *shadowing* on Wednesday. Shadowing is sitting with someone who is doing the job to see if I like it and if I would fit in. I'm having major anxiety over that. What's really anxiety provoking is that if I pass *shadowing* I have another in person interview with a manager and an outside consultant. I'm picturing being given a psych test and I know how I score on those...
Big fake confident smile.
Poet
Posted by Poet on March 18, 2007, at 18:02:55
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection, posted by Daisym on March 17, 2007, at 18:51:40
Hi Daisy,
Of course it's they are good and I am bad, that's the story of my life. Or at least my life as my brain tells me it is.
You have some very good ideas. Though I'm not sure about baking something as I tend to burn things. I used to make good rhubarb bread, maybe I'll give it a try. First I'll disconnect all the smoke alarms.
I could use a wack-a-mole. I'd have my last boss's face on it. Come to think of it she kind of looked like a mole, wait, that's insulting to moles. They are more attractive.
Really great ideas and pass that bat.
Poet
Posted by Poet on March 18, 2007, at 18:16:41
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection Poet, posted by antigua on March 18, 2007, at 10:05:01
Hi Antigua,
You are absolutely right that my work identity is tied up with my self worth. I started seeing my therapist to help myself deal with failure, and here I am four years later still working on self-worth and failure/rejection.
T has said many times she wishes I could base my self-esteem on other things and she's had me tell her things I do well, but it just doesn't stick. My brain goes right back to job that uses my brain=self-esteem.
I'm sorry you're having trouble getting freelance work. I don't understand why your pdoc thought it's narcisstic to think that you deserved to get the job you were up for. To me, it's positive thinking, not inflated ego thinking.
You wrote: But why do we identify so much with work? Why does it really matter so much what others think of us? Why do we feel we have so much to prove? Because nobody would listen to us when we were children and being so ignored and abused? I don't know.
Really good questions, I'm going to print them out and ask my T. It very much matters to me what others think of me. I was devistated when a (since she said it former) friend instantly said *what did you do* when I told her I was fired from my last job. Like I wasn't already blaming myself when I really wasn't to blame.
Thanks for undestanding the why I think, I wish we both understood why we think this way. Sigh. Big sigh.
Poet
Posted by canadagirl on March 18, 2007, at 21:26:17
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection » canadagirl, posted by Poet on March 18, 2007, at 17:54:07
>>My negative thinking tells me therefore it's the me they meet they hate<<
no not at all - it's very competitive out there in the recruitment scene right now and to even make it to the interview stage is a success. It must be a pretty important job for all the hoops they are putting you through. Just try to make it through the day of shadowing knowing it will be over in a couple of hours (or whatever it is). I like to remind myself of my trips to the dentist at those times, thinking well at least I'm not having a root canal. Seriously! Good luck with it and I'll be sending good vibes.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 18, 2007, at 22:45:46
In reply to Re: Handling Rejection » Poet, posted by canadagirl on March 18, 2007, at 21:26:17
well poet, you refer to basing your self esteem thru your work identity, but I don't know your work identity, I only know your babble identity, and I LIKE YOU! So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!!! ;-)
Posted by Poet on March 22, 2007, at 16:01:21
In reply to Handling Rejection, posted by Poet on March 17, 2007, at 13:07:05
I have had two interviews, and one morning of shadowing someone on the job which included a writing test. I'm blaming my crying spells on effexor withdrawal, but maybe it's the fear that I will not get this job. I have to, I can't handle rejection anymore. I can't smile and say the right job will come along. I just plain can't.
Poet
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