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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on March 21, 2007, at 17:58:16
Just an update for anyone who was interested...
I did see my T on Tuesday and tried one more time to tell her how I feel. I was pretty blunt and very honest.. was riding mostly on confidence I'd gotten from Laurie's call the day before. (Did I post about that? Laurie called me on Monday and we talkef for awhile about this again.. and she encouraged me to be honest, told me she was proud of me for how hard I'm trying with Ginny, etc).
Given the circumstances, I think it went pretty well. I didnt leave feeling much safer or with any warm fuzzy feelings like I used to, but it went better than the last few sessions have. I told her it seems like she's screaming "please go somewhere else!" at me and we talked about that. I think its partially true, because she is frustrated and feeling stuck, but partially me overreacting, as usual. She agreed to stop telling me "you have other options other than here" after every word I say, so hopefully that'll help. I told her she cant expect me to automatically trust her 100%, and she said she knows that. I still feel like she wants me to. I feel like she wants to just move past this (as do I) but forget it happened and pretend like things are normal again without dealing with the real issue.. not because shes avoiding it, but because neither of us know how to deal with it.
I've pretty much shut myself off from her and oddly enough am not terribly upset about it anymore. I know it's not that I've moved on though.. I've shut down. I'm good at that.
I'm wondering if maybe I do need to move on. Like I said above, I feel like we're starting to get past this particular crisis, but the underlying issue hasnt been touched, and I dont know how to get to it. Neither does she, I guess. Except with Laurie, I've never really been able to hit anything that feels terribly deep in therapy. It's always surface stuff. Dealing with the symptoms of the current crisis, not the deeper stuff that is causing me to be in this place to begin with.
I see Ginny again tomorrow. She has this brilliant idea (eh) that I should make a collage with her of things that feel safe to me. I'm not so interested in that idea. It doesnt feel very productive, especailly when the space itself doesnt feel safe. I also see Laurie one last time next Tues.. Ginny will be gone all that week.. and also my pdoc on Friday.. since I'm STILL not on any meds at all, even with the hospitalization a few weeks ago. Finally.
I really miss the old Ginny. I know shes still there, but it doesnt feel like she is. I'm not sure it'll ever go back to normal because I dont think this will ever feel "resolved" to me completely. I didnt realize it before, but I think just knowing that she was there, and that I had this safe, stable place, was helping me get through a lot of things outside of therapy. I'm missing that feeling a whole lot.
I'm still not sure where the line is between.. shes just wrong.. and this is all my issue. It's somewhere in the middle, I know. You all (and others in my real life) have said how it seems wrong that she'd cut back right now, but her and Laurie both seem to think it's fine and I'm overreacting. I just dont know. How do you know who the crazy one is? Hehe. I guess it doesnt really matter. Once you get the borderline dx, everything you do is "just borderline stuff."
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 21, 2007, at 19:08:35
In reply to update, posted by wishingstar on March 21, 2007, at 17:58:16
Posted by Poet on March 21, 2007, at 23:26:01
In reply to update, posted by wishingstar on March 21, 2007, at 17:58:16
Hi Wishingstar,
I've never been DX'd borderline, but I can't tell who is crazier: Dr. Clueless or my T.
I'm sorry you miss Ginny, the way she was, though if it were me I'd be confused talking to an old T and a current T. Keep in mind that I've only had one T, I have to apply it to talking to ex pdoc and Dr. Clueless who were very different. So I may not know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I agree with you that it's wrong for Ginny to cut back right now. I understand it's her schedule, etc., but I wish she'd get how hard this is on you.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2007, at 6:46:17
In reply to Re: update, posted by Poet on March 21, 2007, at 23:26:01
Thanks Poet. Laurie (old T) has sort of been around ever since the beginning, so it makes perfect (emotional) sense to me that she'd pop back up now. As a teenager, my parents put me in therapy and pulled me out quickly 5 or 6 times, all within a year. As soon as I turned 18, I found my own.. and my first try happened to be Laurie. I saw her for about a year until I left for college. I came back for a summer a few years later (2003 maybe?) and for one session a few other times (more "I just wanted to update you and say hi" sessions than real sessions though). Then this past summer I saw her for about 2 months again and she helped me get through some of the bad ending with Anne. In a way, I guess she feels like my mother and I'm trying to spread my wings with all these other therapists but shes always in the wings waiting if I need to run back to her. I know she cares about me on a real level. But she has very good boundaries too. I guess over the years we've developed this relationship where she can say something to me that I'd have been defensive about or resistant to with anyone else but somehow, she gets through. It's neat. Anyway.....
Off to see Ginny in a few minutes. Thanks for responding Poet, I appreciate it.
Hope you have a great day...
Posted by Dinah on March 22, 2007, at 9:46:44
In reply to update, posted by wishingstar on March 21, 2007, at 17:58:16
I don't think you should allow anyone to brush you off because of a borderline diagnosis. People may respond to feelings in ways that fit a borderline profile, but feelings are feelings, and feelings should always be acknowledged even if behaviors have to be discussed.
Posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2007, at 17:46:44
In reply to Re: update » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on March 22, 2007, at 9:46:44
I totally agree Dinah, but unfortunately not everyone does. A lot of people (professionals included) hear borderline and already have decided that youre this, that, and the other.. whether or not you've ever felt or behaved in some particular way. And normal behaviors can easily get viewed through the lens of bpd and appear pathological if you're not careful. A really hate the bpd diagnosis (in general) because its really just a word that means unstable, overreacting, manipulative, etc, all in one. Who *wouldnt* object to being called that?
Posted by wishingstar on March 22, 2007, at 17:50:17
In reply to Re: update » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on March 22, 2007, at 9:46:44
I had a pretty good session with Ginny this morning. A little teasing (in both directions) which was typical for us up until a few weeks ago. For instance, she was pressing me to name something I liked about myself. I really hate doing that, and we'd made a list once, months ago.. so I told her I didnt want to play her game and she could find a list in my file. Hah. :) I dont know how I feel overall, but today was pretty good, and one day at a time I guess. I'm still looking forward to seeing Laurie again on Tuesday to talk a little more about it.
I'm going out of town early tomorrow morning and wont be back around until at least Monday night. Going to visit caraher in Indiana! How exciting. Have a great weekend everyone.
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