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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 10:15:41
Had my T appointment yesterday. It's the after effects of therapy sessions that make wonder why I continue to go and if I should. I believe after over a year in therapy that I really got the heat of my issues and have addressed it alot. In the past three weeks or so, I am no longer regressing in mind, I've developed a few visualisations that have been very helpful and feel I am coping better. Even more recently, I have had a sense of a more positive and upbeat sense of myself trying to break through. I haven't felt that part of myself in a long time.
Then I go to therapy and the issues get opened up again, perhaps a different angle, etc. Then for the next day or two or three it seems I lose the positivity gained and lose the direction to a more upbeat mindset.
It's like why don't I let enough alone. I wonder to myself if I discontinue maybe those positive and upbeat aspects will have a better chance to grow instead of being pushed away again by opening up the 'problems'.
My T said yesterday that I have worked very hard. I have difficulty understanding what the 'work' is of therapy but certainly after some sessions, and just generally, you feel an exhaustion. One gets tired when they work a lot. That seems to make sense. But as I told her, work to me means having results. And while I think no longer regressing and feeling so broken in mind are results, I have yet to see that translate to other areas of my life - i.e. any increased enjoyment of life, fixing up of my home and surroundings and returning to a more attractive and energized self. She said well, you are not buying carpets or things for your home though you are beautifying the inside. Blegh. When I feel this hangover of therapy, it doesn't seem all that beautiful.
I don't know, maybe the fact I am still experiencing 'downs' after therapy indicates there is still more to heal, that it is not all 'well' yet. I have made big strides recently. I am able to go to my pain and sadness and be 'there' now without falling apart. I don't feel so alone and lost as I once did, and my T said that is because "I" am there now. The child part has someone there. That is big. I am feeling my concentration return, some sense of organization. But it seems my sense of stability between sessions gets blown apart right after a session.
With the holidays, I won't see my T again until Jan 7. I have some processing to do. It p's me off though to think that I will get over this hangover and start to feel positive and then - bang - again open myself to a down. More work, more work. Uggh. I really look forward to the day that, after a session, I will actually feel better right away instead of down and unsure before feeling better. Hmmm. You know, I think when that happens, I will know that I don't need therapy as much anymore. That just occurred to me as I wrote this. Maybe there is some sense to that.
I know I will be processing this over the next two weeks. We will see then where I am at, what more has been done and what the next session brings. Just feeling kind of worn today. And I am very tired of feeling worn.
I know it will pass and, if recent developments are any indication, it will pass to a more positive and stronger frame of mind for a change. I just felt like letting it out and it's great to have a site like this where I can.
So, therapy - yay! and therapy not so yay, sometimes. lol.
Posted by rskontos on December 20, 2007, at 12:12:22
In reply to Therapy Hangover, posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 10:15:41
Lovelorn, do you when you are feeling positive look forward to therapy or do you dread it?
rsk
Posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 13:29:16
In reply to Re: Therapy Hangover, posted by rskontos on December 20, 2007, at 12:12:22
>Lovelorn, do you when you are feeling positive look forward to therapy or do you dread it?
That's the thing, Rsk. It's only recently I've been feeling a sense of more positivity and, say the last two times, I thought this is good and I was looking forward to therapy thinking it would increase that positivity. As in - finally! - I moving into the right direction. I have to say with the down/hangover of the last two sessions now, I don't look forward going when I am feeling positive now. I have to believe it won't always take it away.
I am sure it is all part of the process. But dang, when you are starting to get some sense of feeling kind of good, it's not fun experiencing a down again. This therapy stuff, I know it works and is helping but for the life of me, I don't understand it sometimes.
Posted by rskontos on December 20, 2007, at 14:16:25
In reply to Re: Therapy Hangover » rskontos, posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 13:29:16
>> I am sure it is all part of the process. But dang, when you are starting to get some sense of feeling kind of good, it's not fun experiencing a down again. This therapy stuff, I know it works and is helping but for the life of me, I don't understand it sometimes.>>
**with that you have said a mouthful for sure lovelorn......it don't get it but sometimes I know when my t says thing that for me isn't right. not always maybe but sometimes.
my last session i didnt' agree with several things she says and i can't say nothing but boy did my parts have a thing or two to argue with me on the way home. and what not there are several of my others that are stronger than me. i mean hel* they take over when I can't so of course they are stronger. they talk sh*t when I can't and they stuff when i can't. and when i let t says stuff i don't like and i dont say so then i get bad voices in my head. and when i fight not to let them out then man it is hard.
so my therapy sessions are hard and getting harder. tonight's i dread in a big way.big i did a p-doc appt. i am scared though......am i a big chicken or what.
i am sorry for you though that you are so good and then after therapy you all mixed up. But i do think it must mean you are not quite there yet.
Hang in there. I think you are doing good and you have given me good advice. Always so positive and helpful.
take care.rsk
Posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 17:53:06
In reply to Re: Therapy Hangover, posted by rskontos on December 20, 2007, at 14:16:25
>so my therapy sessions are hard and getting harder.
Yes, I can imagine. It is hard enough when you don't dissociate dealing with your issues and I imagine it is doubly so when you do dissociate or split. I hope they get easier as your mind and different parts adjust to interacting with the T, and with learning to control your parts better.
> i am sorry for you though that you are so good and then after therapy you all mixed up. But i do think it must mean you are not quite there yet.
Yes. It's not a good feeling to be confused so soon after thinking I am doing better.
A few hours on from my post and I have to agree with you. I am not quite there yet. Actually, after writing all that I did, I am feeling kind of triggery. I sense or feel that I will be going to that 'young' place again and facing some more stuff to work out. I will be more careful in future to not post so soon after sessions, when I am feeling vulnerable in mind.
I think I overestimated the positivity - after feeling like crappola for two years, I read more into it than I should have. In my Healing and Cure post, I said that I have a ways to go. I guess I wanted to feel as if I've gone further than I have. Dope. I should know better by now that this is a looong process. I have to see myself as 'getting' better and not necessary 'all' better. The downs just mean some more stuff to process. I do rebound much better now and am getting stronger but nowhere near done. I will have a clearer perspective in a few days time.
Posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2007, at 7:44:48
In reply to Therapy Hangover, posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 10:15:41
I know exactly how you feel, but I do believe that as you go through these things and resolve them, the downs will lessen and shorten. At least they have with me. That doesn't mean I don't go straight to bed after a tough session, but I rebound better now.
Hang in there. Believe your T. You are getting so much better, and one day you'll actually be interested and motivated in beautifying your home!
happy holidays,
antigua
Posted by lovelorn on December 22, 2007, at 8:39:47
In reply to Re: Therapy Hangover, posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2007, at 7:44:48
Thanks, antigua.
Actually, most of year's time in therapy I have gotten used the downs - they just varied in degrees. I have gotten really used to the downs. It's new sense of positivity and then feeling donw that is a bit hard to take.
>you'll actually be interested and motivated in beautifying your home!
I know the idea of beautifying a home may sound like 'what's the big deal'. Part of my issues of having been separated when young from my mother and living in abusive foster homes is a sense of feeling like I don't have a home. It's big and central issue for me, and one that I've not resolved and am still working on in therapy. As my T says it, I am not investing myself where I live and I am not because I am still debating where it is where I want to live and all. This is all connected to the trauma of my separation issues, blah, blah, blah. lol.
>At least they have with me. That doesn't mean I don't go straight to bed after a tough session, but I rebound better now.
Yes, it is a good feeling when they lessen and when you really see how much better you rebound.
I am getting better, antigua. Thanks and a happy holidays to you too.
Posted by muffled on December 22, 2007, at 11:25:15
In reply to Re: Therapy Hangover » antigua3, posted by lovelorn on December 22, 2007, at 8:39:47
Ya I have problems w/my "home" too. Its a mess. I don't feel invested at all.
Its half my husbands, and half belongs to a relative who also lives here.
So its not my home, its half mine. And there's not much privacy, and its not like I can just have people over.
So my house is a pigsty and that messes with my mental health I suspect.
B4 when I lived with who is now my DH in his first house, which was just his. It was an older house, but I kept it reasonably clean and took an interest.
I have ZERO attachment to this place where we live now.
I think I would be just as happy if I lived in a shack in the bush.
I have no home either.
I was raised in one home, with one family. So I dunno why I am they way I am.
I am sorry L-L that you had a rough go at growing up :-(
You sure seem to have turned out a nice person though.
M
Posted by lovelorn on December 22, 2007, at 16:18:36
In reply to House » lovelorn, posted by muffled on December 22, 2007, at 11:25:15
>but I kept it reasonably clean and took an interest.
I think that is key there. I take little interest in where I am living now. I do maintain it reasonably clean though it has gotten close to pigsty a few times, particularly when I was quite depressed after my breakdown. Depression makes everything go to pot. I clean it now about every three or four weeks, whereas before the breakdown it would be like every week. Think minimalistic. I don't have much extra besides the basics. If it were just me, I would probably let it go longer, but I do try to keep as 'normal' as possible appearance and function for my daughter's sake. It's damn well hard to do sometime, but I am getting better. It's an appartment actually. I am thinking of moving away in the next year or two, a big move once I figure out where I want to live. Would like to live closer to nature or a smaller city. Nature gives me peace of mind and I like smaller and simpler now versus grander. So in the meantime I am just refusing to buy anything extra or to make improvements in terms of adding things that will make it 'mine', if you know what I mean. I do know that I can't let that go on forever. For both me and my daughter, I will have to 'invest' some more one way or the other whether here or somewhere else. I just want it somewhere else. I am resisting to do that now.
>I think I would be just as happy if I lived in a shack in the bush.
That made me laugh. I have the same 'dream'. I am kind of a loner. lol
>You sure seem to have turned out a nice person though.
Thanks for the kind thoughts. I know I could have ended up worse as a person. I always strived to do better than my circumstances and I count too the grace of God for not ending up worse too.
Posted by lovelorn on December 22, 2007, at 17:13:51
In reply to House » lovelorn, posted by muffled on December 22, 2007, at 11:25:15
>I have ZERO attachment to this place where we live now.
This is key too. Actually reading this and I feel like crying. A good cry though, a cleansing cry because I realize I am very, very sad at the lack of attachment and I am struggling with just that right now.
Where does attachment come from, or the ability to attach. It is either something that you developed from young or something that you create in your own mind. And I am having so much difficulty creating it in my mind. Before the breakdown I was okay. A little emotionally sensitive but okay. Wherever I was living, I would form an attachment, pay attention to detail, enjoyed beautifying my surroundings and having things that expressed my personality, was even kind of stylish, etc. I had a sense of at least being attached to myself, my mind and an enjoyment of my surroundings and making them nice and comfortable for those around me (my daughter and ex-H at one point). That's all gone now. And I am trying so hard to create it again.
What do you think would make you have an attachment, Muffled? I am asking myself the same question.
This is the end of the thread.
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