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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by workinprogress on October 7, 2008, at 1:27:12
Hey there all. I've been lurking for a while here. I actually found this place while I was quite freaked out about the intense feelings I was feeling for my therapist. I felt bad for loving her, I felt bad for thinking of her, I felt bad for needing her. Essentially, I felt that therapy *success* would be finally not feeling those things anymore. Not thinking about her constantly, not counting the days until I would see her again, not needing her so much anymore. Not emailing her and checking obsessively to see if she responded.
I agonized over this for months. We talked about it. She said it was ok. She said eventually I would settle in. Time. Trust takes time she said.
Anyway, I'm writing here to share with all of you... those who have been through it and those that are going through it. I've read a lot about transference here. Love we have for our Ts in some way or another. For me, she's the loving mom I never had...
And now... the other day... now, I finally feel good about loving her. And feeling love from her (always felt good about that). But now, now I feel ok about wanting more, I feel ok about loving her the way I do. I feel all sorts of warmth and I feel lucky to love someone like I do her. It feels *good* to love her instead of painful. It doesn't feel wrong anymore. I finally gave myself a break over it. It's ok to love her... why wouldn't you? Sure, not everyone will understand, but she does. She cares for you... unconditionally, she's there for you, you FEEL love from her. Nothing I ever got growing up. What's wrong for wanting/revelling in it now???
Anyway, I think it's normal to feel weird about it... but for all those that are there... push through. If you have a fabulous T like I do.. it's so worth that pain to *feel* the love they can give you. And to feel good about loving them! Priceless!
Posted by JouezMoi on October 7, 2008, at 5:39:02
In reply to I finally feel good about loving my T...., posted by workinprogress on October 7, 2008, at 1:27:12
Welcome Workinprogress. This is a great group. I lurk a lot without posting and this group has contributed so much to my healing. I would take this opportunity to tell all of you, Thanks !
Suedehead, take note of Workinprogress's words. It really doesn't matter whether it male/female, male/male or female/female relationships. Focus on the love.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 7, 2008, at 8:48:23
In reply to Re: I finally feel good about loving my T...., posted by JouezMoi on October 7, 2008, at 5:39:02
Just remember: Feelings are not right or wrong.....they just...are.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by JayJ on October 7, 2008, at 9:06:34
In reply to Re: I finally feel good about loving my T.... » JouezMoi, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 7, 2008, at 8:48:23
Hi Sassy,
You are of course right that feelings are feelings and that's it. The problem is that our job as clients is to make sure we tell our Ts about our feelings, whereas their job is to _only_ express their feelings to the extent it is to our benefit. These are two very different jobs about dealing with feelings and I guess that's where the difficulty come in. The imbalance in the relationship is the issue, like with Suedehead's situation.
JayJ
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2008, at 16:48:29
In reply to I finally feel good about loving my T...., posted by workinprogress on October 7, 2008, at 1:27:12
It does feel good!
Love without expectations is the closest we come to perfect love. Pretty rare too.
There is something almost beautiful about realizing that whatever we might wish for or long for, we can recognize that we won't get it and just enjoy the loving feelings and the reality of what we do have. And even accept and respect the pain of longing without feeling like we need to do anything about it.
Radical acceptance and love.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 7, 2008, at 23:16:12
In reply to I finally feel good about loving my T...., posted by workinprogress on October 7, 2008, at 1:27:12
workinprogress,
Wow, what a wonderful thing to share with us! I read what you write and hope that someday I can take it in and really get it. I'm sooo in the opposite place right now. But I can sort of see it from the outside - as is what you are saying is there - it's just really fuzzy and I can't really reach for it.I think I'll bookmark what you have written here so I can come back to it...
:-)
FMD
Posted by workinprogress on October 8, 2008, at 0:30:00
In reply to Re: I finally feel good about loving my T...., posted by FindingMyDesire on October 7, 2008, at 23:16:12
Thanks for all for the affirmation. Mostly I just know how hard it was when I felt so weird/icky about feeling so strongly. And I've seen some of that from others in recent threads (JayMac I think and Finding My Desire). All that you both wrote (and others who have talked about transference and mother feelings, etc) helped me not feel so alone/freaky. And I think it helped me get here a bit too. Get to that place of comfort.
I don't know that I'm here absolutely and for good. But I definitely got over a hurdle. And I think it's just part of the process, at least for me it was. Finding... you'll get there too and I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are finding support somewhere in the absence of your T. Make sure to treat yourself extra kindly!
Posted by lucie lu on October 8, 2008, at 11:52:23
In reply to I finally feel good about loving my T...., posted by workinprogress on October 7, 2008, at 1:27:12
Hi workinprogress, and welcome! Like the name, it really sums it all up.
I'm glad you are allowing yourself to feel good about loving and accepting love from your T. It is a powerful force in therapy and has great potential for healing and growth.
Glad you decided to post!
Best,
Lucie
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