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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on November 12, 2008, at 19:17:30
I was only about five minutes early, but when I went to open the door it was locked. I was a little shocked.
I tried it again and yep still locked.
I got very confused and felt like a little girl. I was like "now what do I do?"
I stepped to the side to check my voicemail to see if left me a message - nope.
Then I saw him walk by and unlock the door.
I really can not describe the terror that I felt at that door being locked. It's never been locked.
Me processing that pretty much took up the whole session. I cried for most of it actually, even though I felt really stupid. I thought he has gone away.
Keep in mind that I've been with this man for years and he has never just not shown up for an appointment. In fact, he is very good about letting me know when he needs to cancel, even when there is an acute crisis on his part - he still calls.
There was no reason for me to react the way I did, but I did.
Sometimes I wish he would just abandon me and get it over with.
Seldom.
Posted by lucie lu on November 12, 2008, at 19:51:53
In reply to My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 12, 2008, at 19:17:30
My T sounds like yours, and something like that happened to me a couple of years ago. And he wasn't even late.
Makes quite a statement, doesn't it? I wonder if it ever really goes away.
Posted by Looney Tunes on November 12, 2008, at 23:03:48
In reply to My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 12, 2008, at 19:17:30
Wow. I am glad that your T did not miss your session and ouch, how scary... but at least you got to feel those emotions.
(and NO assprint in the couch, because he opened the office just for you!!)Me, I would have cursed him out and quit, telling him that "locked doors when I am coming is NOT acceptable. Get here earlier!" LOL
Then I would have called back in 2 days, crying when I actually got to feel the true emotion.Were you exhausted after?
Posted by DAisym on November 12, 2008, at 23:39:50
In reply to My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 12, 2008, at 19:17:30
((((Seldom))))
I really feel for you. That would have freaked me out too. And there is so much sadness in your post - it tells me how hard it was for you and how alone you felt and still feel. I hate those abandonment fears - they hurt like heck!
I've been posting about how big these fears are again for me lately. I even had a check in call over the weekend to try and calm some of this down. On Monday my cell went off and it was my therapist's ring - and I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I was terrified he was going to cancel - that I'd been too much, etc. etc. It took me a whole hour to finally listen to the voice mail - and he was just calling to tell me that they were working on his office building and I should come in the back. I was so upset and so ANGRY that he'd scared me like that! I did tell him about my reaction - and I told him not to be so considerate next time.
Therapy is so hard, isn't it?
Posted by LadyBug on November 13, 2008, at 0:09:26
In reply to My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 12, 2008, at 19:17:30
(((seldom)))
I know I would have had a similar reaction. I used to freak out if my T was running late. All kinds of thoughts would go through my head. One time in all the years I have been seeing her, she made a mistake and scheduled 2 people at the same time. She came out to the waiting room and saw the other patient and said, "hi so and so, come on back." She looked at me and with a hand motion told me to hold on a sec. She took the other patient back to her office and I bolted out of there as fast as I could walk as she chased me down the hall and out into the parking lot and to my car. She felt horrible, I felt horrible!!! She made it up to me but at the time it sure did hurt like heck.
Therapy is such a journey and our hearts get stepped on from time to time. It is good you could come here and share with us and get some support. I know how much it helps me. I hope you are feeling better soon. I bet it won't happen again any time if your T could see how much it hurt. I have abandonment issues too so I know how much this hurt you.
LadyBug
Posted by seldomseen on November 13, 2008, at 6:18:31
In reply to My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 12, 2008, at 19:17:30
Thanks to all for your posts.
I think this so hard for me because there is no logical reason that I should have freaked out the way I did.
My logical brain is having a hard time grasping and not judging my reaction.
But my reaction was very real and very very painful. I felt so small and so alone there in those few moments before I saw him. It rocked me.
Frankly, I just don't know what I can do to make this attachment to him more secure. I want ot beat this so badly, yet there I was - alone in the hall, looking at that damn door and my mind immediately went to worst case scenario.
I suppose it is a good thing that at least I care enough to be hurt by this perceived threat.
My T said that these old old patterns of fear and hesitancy are very hard to break, but that we've already busted through a lot of them. The attachment pain and fear is the deepest of them all, but is actually the key one to be addressed.
Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I do feel sad. Overall, I feel shaken and stirred. I suspect this going to get a lot worse before it gets better.Oh yeah, therapy is great!
Seldom
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 13, 2008, at 7:55:30
In reply to Re: My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 13, 2008, at 6:18:31
Of course there is a logical reason why you freaked out, sweetie; it is called fear of abandoment.
Our feelings are not right or wrong,they just ARE.....I am always on time for my appointment, and sometimes my t pulls up at the exact time (I am always early), and I start getting anxious as the time gets closer and he isn't there yet.
So, honor your feelings.
Love, Sassy
Posted by rskontos on November 13, 2008, at 9:14:10
In reply to Re: My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 13, 2008, at 6:18:31
Seldom,
It struck me reading your post that it was a younger you that was hurt and frightened by the locked door and all the possibilities that it "might" mean. That is why logic flew out the window. I understand these non-rational reactions. I probably would have left so you are braver than I .Months ago, probably 6 months ago, I entered my t's waiting area which is always empty to discover a man sitting there. Well it just plain scared me. I stammered something about when was his appointment and he said he was waiting for his wife. I had a drink with me, that I spilt due to my nervousness.
To this day, I still peek around the corner to make sure the waiting room is empty. Logically I should be ok with it, but the littles inside are scared to run into someone else or that T might forget we always come at 11:15 on Monday and schedule someone else because we are not all that important. Rational no, but it is there and remains there. Even after about 5-6 months.
I really related with your fear and don't think it is all that illogically.
Give yourself a hug. here is one from me ((((((((((Seldom)))))))))))))))))))))))
rsk
Posted by Dinah on November 13, 2008, at 9:28:01
In reply to Re: My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 13, 2008, at 6:18:31
I suppose the advantage to having a therapist who is timeliness challenged is that I never imagine anything but that he's late again. I stand and tap my toes and look at my watch, and decide exactly when I'll walk away and tell him that I just couldn't wait any longer. Which I never do, sadly.
But I've definitely had those moments. No matter how well I'm doing and how secure I feel in my ability to manage on my own, it only takes one small threat for me to go back to imagining the worst. I don't like it at all, but I don't seem to be able to think myself out of it. Maybe one day there'll be a natural process.
Posted by yxibow on November 26, 2008, at 0:22:04
In reply to My therapist office was locked., posted by seldomseen on November 12, 2008, at 19:17:30
> I was only about five minutes early, but when I went to open the door it was locked. I was a little shocked.
>
> I tried it again and yep still locked.
>
> I got very confused and felt like a little girl. I was like "now what do I do?"Why beat yourself up for something that is a natural reaction ? The confusion is understandable. I had to sit on the floor with my stuff, there's no waiting area in the hallway and no benches in the building.
> I stepped to the side to check my voicemail to see if left me a message - nope.
>
> Then I saw him walk by and unlock the door.
>
> I really can not describe the terror that I felt at that door being locked. It's never been locked.Therapists may have multiple offices and may have meetings throughout the day. Its not uncommon for their doors to be locked because for one thing patient's files can be in their office and they haven't "opened for business".
I had this happen once when I was feeling worse and I yelled at my psychiatrist. He noted it but said, you know sometimes people aren't quite on time, late from a meeting or something like that, I mean there is traffic.
> Me processing that pretty much took up the whole session. I cried for most of it actually, even though I felt really stupid. I thought he has gone away.
Good, you let out your feelings. No reason to feel stupid or anything like that. That is actually wonderful, I know its painful, that you were able to communicate that. And you know, some sessions are about a particular part of your unconscious and conscious, they don't have to be about a specific event each time, sometimes things come up, like this.
> Keep in mind that I've been with this man for years and he has never just not shown up for an appointment. In fact, he is very good about letting me know when he needs to cancel, even when there is an acute crisis on his part - he still calls.
And mine and my doctor attempts to call if at all possible. They do have other patients but that does not mean they don't care about you.
> There was no reason for me to react the way I did, but I did.
You did. And so what. Perhaps this was a session you needed to get out your feelings of abandonment. That's needed
> Sometimes I wish he would just abandon me and get it over with.
Therapy is a journey. I think this is exactly what you feel, and what I've felt -- the therapist may become in your mind a second parent or you may just have this feeling without that reaction -- it is a fear of abandonment. That your psychologist or doctor will abandon you.
I have felt it in the past and I think it is still there -- I get a little nervous when my doctor goes away for conferences or whatever, I mean he still covers things or has an acquaintance do so, but with my fear of flying I create all sorts of scenarios. Its as if I'm killing off my doctor or something.And I don't need to continue to make scenarios, I have enough of them as an voice player cue in my head with OC thoughts going on.
-- be well-- best wishes
Jay
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